Funny One Liners
300 Funny One Liners Page 2
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Donít tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
I feel much better, now that I've given up hope.
Drive defensively Ė buy a tank.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
If at first you donít succeed, skydiving is not for you!
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?
For Sale: One computer slightly used. One bullet hole in screen.
Optimist: Someone without much experience.
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Lifeís a censored ...., and then youíre reincarnated.
God and love are the two greatest illusions of life.
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
Anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.
You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can't make him think.
I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
Gravity - It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
I canít complain, but sometimes I still do.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
Donít be humble, youíre not that great.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
I donít care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof.
A dollar saved is a dime earned. The rest is taxes.
Two's company, three's .... the Musketeers.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be naughty Ė save santa the trip.
When I left home, Mom said "Don't forget to write." I thought, "That's unlikely. After all, it's a fairly basic skill."
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with % fewer letters!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with? Whatever she wants - he's sleeping.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
When you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.
Funny how a dollar can look so big when you take it to church, and so small when you take it to the store.
If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray And the blinking red light.
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
Sharpei diem! (Seize the wrinkled dog!)
George Washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
When the blind lead the blind .... get out of the way.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Itís better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
Mail your packages early so the Post Office has time to lose them before Christmas.
Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Nuke the Whales.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
Born free taxed to death.
Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button youíll be disconnected!
Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
If weíd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
There are two types of people Ė those who divide people into two types, and those who donít.
How many weeks are there in a light year?
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Sure, whenÖ Ė oink flap oink flap Ė well Iíll be darned!
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
I didnít fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Iím not your type. Iím not inflatable.
Old age is nothing to worry about, except if youíre a cheese.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Better late than really late.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Funny One Liners Page 3
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