Funny One Liners

300 Funny One Liners Page 3

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

The best things in life aren’t things.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.

If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

The Killer Ducks are coming!

Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

If the universe wanted me to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set

Wasting time is an important part of living.

My pc's bark is worse than it's byte.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why do we call it common sense when hardly anyone ever uses it?

Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”

When in doubt, poke it with a stick.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colin'. Need I say more?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

Bad spellers of the world untie!

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

Strangers have the best candy.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

Early to bed, early to rise ensures a healthy, dull demise.

Tracers work both ways.

There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like a pack of wild dogs.

It's always darkest before .... Daylight Saving Time.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Don't follow in my footsteps. I walk into a lot of walls.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it?

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?

Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.

Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Bald guys never have a bad hair day.

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time. You won't have a leg to stand on.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

Who stopped payment on my reality check?

Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.

Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.

The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.

If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.

When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.

To err is human... to forgive is not Company policy

Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

How can you make your wife crazy while making love? Call her from your cell phone.

If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.

Face it, honey. Prince Charming isn't coming. He's living with Mr. Right.

I prefer old age to the alternative.

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.

No one suspects the butterfly!

Someday is not a day of the week.

Christmas trees are like men. They don't look as good once you get them home.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Never lick the spoon.

Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.

The bestselling books are cookbooks and the second are diet books. So you can learn how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

How do you get a sweet little -year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little -year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.

If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.

Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.

Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.

Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Those who say they "sleep like a baby", haven't got one.

Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.

A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

For good, return good. For evil, return justice.

Do I look like a people person?

For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

Funny One Liners Page 1